June 6, 2009

The above title is a line from a poem by Antonio Machado.  It's a favorite of a friend of mine who has good reason to know.  Anyway - the bit below is pieced together from excerpts from e-mails to friends following a recent "life change".  The situation hasn't changed but my feelings about it have - the angst, while necessary to processing the change, is gone - replaced by an understanding that we do - indeed - make the road by walking.  And so, we continue our journey - remaining open to the possibilities while taking the steps we can to assure that we can take advantage of the possibilities.

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“She had a dream
And boy it was a good one
So she chased after her dream
With much desire
But when she got too close
To her expectations
Well the dream burned up
Like paper in fire”

            John Mellencamp – Paper and Fire 

May 1

Well  - April now classifies as one of my worst months ever - from poor little Jeffrey leaving us on April 2 to the FDA denying Northfield's application yesterday plus all the other nasty events in between - not to mention the nearly constant rain.

Yep – beloved spouse is now unemployed.  From here I have no idea what is next.  So, I am going to spend today in a nasty all out funk and then face facts tomorrow.

May 1 

I am just aimlessly cleaning things up, wandering around, blah blah blah - 

I don't want to go back to full time corporate work, I want to go to Jane Addams and get that MSW, I am feeling sick and it's not the flu - 

At least I am employed for now - even if only for 24 hours a week for the month of May. 

Ah, well - just another one of those opportunities to deal with what is... 

May 2 

Yes - it's been tense for a while - I've been keeping to the yoga, to reminding myself that life comes with no guarantees, that we are still in good shape financially, that I can craft options, that I can go pull weeds and harvest and sell asparagus - 

I don't want to ignore or sidestep the troubling feelings but I don't want them to take over my life either - so, as with my sweet little Jeffrey - I will mourn and then I will find that place where I know that life is, after all, "Just this". 

May 4 

I am finding it disconcerting because it throws so many of my plans up into the air and I have no idea where they will land (and you know how much I like feeling in control).  But - in between the blues I am working on using this as an opportunity to find the opportunities and the work arounds.  In any case, an excellent experience for my future profession of counseling/coaching.  Yep - maybe I'll specialize in dealing with uncertainty...though, ya know, I think I am not so fond of learning experiences while I am experiencing them... 

May 5 

Yeah - it pretty much sucks - I'm still waking up in a funk - I sleep fine but wake up with that sense of loss and powerlessness that accompanies any unalterable occurrence.  I've been spending wake up time feeling sorry for myself and wondering how it will all play out - but, feeling sorry for myself doesn't get the weeds pulled or the onions planted and so I eventually roll out of bed, take care of sweet little Pumpkin, and get on with life. 

I'll be searching for scholarships to Jane Addams as well as developing some alternative sources of income - 

Life works out - very often not in the way we expect it to or the way we want it to - but - life works out.  Once I've come to accept what I cannot change I'm able to work with whatever it is that I can do.  I'll be doing my level best to push it to work out in my direction – 

One of Shawn's favorite lines is "The road is made by walking." and I cannot think of a better way to address reversals of fortune. 

May 6 

Two of my grafted trees are finally blossoming - 5 years down the road.  Wow - I hope they bear at least a few apples - talk about slow food. 

Outside the veggie world things are topsy turvy and I am sure will stay that way for some time.  I threw a major hissy fit today at beloved spouse.  Anyway - am still following through with Jane Addams and considering the options there - need to research scholarships pronto if any are still open.  Also went to CLC tonight to hear about their new Wellness Coaching Associate's Degree program - the deparment chair was so dynamic that I am going to investigate further - less time and less money than Jane Addams though a very different type of degree - but still - if I can't go to Jane Addams this will make a fine Plan B - assuming we don't end up relocating. 

It's the topsy turvy I don't care for but whether counselor or life coach, I think this experience will be invaluable - too bad learning from experience is typically a discomforting experience. 

Anyway - my little miss is lurking near - expecting me to feed her - have been trying all day but she is adamant about refusing her regular food - maybe tummy troubles again - maybe just a missy fit. 

May 7, 2009 

Went to the CLC presentation on their new program for Wellness Coaching - actually looks like a great program and even if I do manage to end up at Jane Addams I think I will definitely take some of the courses or at least get the Life Coach certification - I'd especially like to take the anatomy and kinesiology courses (great for teaching yoga) and they even have a yoga for wellness course - plus they have some courses on coaching and on writing a business plan - all very valuable. 

If I can't go to Jane Addams I will go ahead and get this AA - I can probably place out of half of the classes so it would only take a year full time or two years part time if I need to keep working (and assuming we stay here) - so - there is a very solid Plan B in place as far as I'm concerned - and the whole thing reminded me of what I really want to do in the first place - not heal the sick but help people from getting sick in the first place, not mend broken minds or spirits but help people keep their minds and spirits healthy in the first place - so, even if I do go to Jane Addams I will focus on the "what's right" instead of the "what's wrong". 

So - at the very least this whole thing has forced me to re-explore my options and gotten me back in touch with where my real passion is - taking people (any myself) to the next step of wellness and wholeness. 

And - if we need to move - then I guess I will develop Plans C and D and go from there. 

You were right - it's about buying new paper.